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I woke up like this (a year later)

This is the teacup of emotion

Wow, one year. That was one heck of a mental health day, wasn’t it? If you’re still hanging around I legitimately appreciate it – now let me give to you an explanation. It may be oversharing but hey, it’s therapeutic for me and maybe you have to deal with some of the same crap. It feels a bit weird to say mental illness, probably because even for me there’s still a stigma attached to it, but that’s basically what my “crap” is. Every once in awhile I’ll have a “flare up”. I’m less capable of dealing with those fun issues and I kind of fall apart. My regular days become a chore, just doing normal errands are almost impossible, and my moods change quicker than quicksand (which, from what I’ve seen in cartoons, isn’t that hard to do). To be frank, it’s pretty shitty. But that’s what we do as people with mental illness – we try to deal.

Wellll, I wasn’t able to deal so well this time.

I received some great traits in the genetic lottery and I’ve borne the burden of their stupid butt-faces. My favorite, crushing anxiety, means I constantly worry about what may or may not happen. Following that is the beauty of rarely being in control of my emotions: at different times shutting off completely, being overly happy, being overly sad, or just being a total robot. I didn’t have a baseline of normal – I figured that this was what I had to deal with and I had to suck it up. I did for a long time, but a few months back I couldn’t anymore. Rather than sussing out all of the details (because even I have some amount of a filter), let’s just say that there were some days I considered not awesome things and days where I just didn’t want to do anything. Ever again.

Most people (I think) assume that this is just triggered by life events. However, this time there wasn’t anything that pulled the rug out from under me. There was no sudden shift in my life. It was just that my brain (or I) couldn’t continue with the constant “fight or flight/sad or happy or stuck” modes and I stopped being able to function. We were make therapy and psychiatry fit into our budget – which I started the following week. At this point we’ve found a happy medium between therapy and meds (no psychics though) and it’s a day-by-day thing now. OH YES I am laying it ALL on the table to y’all, strangers and otherwise. Now, I’ve been able to slowly see who I am again. I can see what I like and want a little more clearly. I remember old passions.

I’m really, really, ridiculously lucky in that when I had my worst breakdown I had someone very supportive and we were able to afford therapy, as I don’t honestly know what would have happened otherwise. For a long time I wouldn’t have been in a position to help myself and it’s a reality for way too many people.

Now. Here’s a photo:

pit and a pug

So I’m now going to suddenly shift to something else because even typing this I’m kiiind of uncomfortable with talking/typing it??? If you skimmed through, HI I AM BACK. I hope you are having a very nice day and I will be speaking to you all again. Probably in caps. Sorry, but I’m super not sorry. 🙂 Before I let you out of this wall o’ text, some quick housekeeping:

  1. I have renamed/updated/whatever the website. If you go to shantellemarie.com/blog it will redirect you so you don’t even have to think. If you were subscribed before I would appreciate subscribing to the page you’re currently on. Even if you weren’t, I would still appreciate it!
  2. I love the new name. If you do too I love you. If you don’t, I love you less. Kidding!! (no I’m not kidding)
  3. For the foreseeable future, I won’t be posting twice a week as I was. I know you’re heartbroken! I plan on doing at least two posts/month, though I’m hoping to get back to weekly at some point.
  4. We have a pug. Her name is Evie and she’s horrible/too smart. She is much scarier than Mani. We have gone to Disneyland, Asheville, Disney World, and to Kanki in my absence. I have eaten much food and it was all mostly good. I will have recaps so…get ready.
  5. Oh, we also bought a house. So that’s cool.
  6. Ghostbusters was awesome and everything ever. It really sucks that people *ahem, men, ahem* are purposely trying to tank it. So really, go see it please.

Now, for the real awkward ending: this has been Shantelle, hoping that you have the help you need/want and the support system you deserve. Which is obviously a good one.

 

PS – Obvs I’m not endorsing meds, therapy, how to deal with mental illness, or pugs for anyone. Just giving y’all my personal experiences. However I am demanding/endorsing that you see Ghostbusters. 🙂

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4 Comments

  • Reply Tracy Lucas

    New here, but I think I love you.

    August 16, 2016 at 12:42 am
    • Reply Mom

      I love you!!

      October 22, 2016 at 8:35 pm
      • Reply shantellemarie

        💘

        January 12, 2017 at 12:08 pm
  • Reply Tightrope Girl - The Biggest Highlights Post Ever - Tightrope Girl

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    January 17, 2017 at 9:30 am
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